Tuesday, August 13, 2013

A Long One on Forgiveness

Almost nine years ago, I met a boy. I fell hard and I fell fast. We were inseparable, texting and talking on the phone when we weren't together, and were "in love" within days. I was with this man for six months when I received a Myspace message from a girl asking if I was the boys girlfriend. I didn't reply to her because I didn't know where this was coming from.. I felt uneasy about it. So I asked my boyfriend why this girl would be asking me if I was his girlfriend. Of course I was.. it said "in a relationship" on his Myspace (because that makes it official). He told me she was a childhood friend that had mental issues. This girl was apparently obsessed with him and he expressed his concern for her, told me to ignore it, and said he was going to call her mom to let her know that this poor girl was up to her old stalking tricks again. I believed my boyfriend.. why wouldn't I? A few days passed and I felt that the story I was fed was far fetched. I started to doubt my boyfriend. I replied to the girl and she told me that she was his girlfriend too... what!? As any twenty year old would do, I got together with this girl, went to our boyfriends apartment when he wasn't home, climbed in through the unlocked window and discovered he had a live in girlfriend as well... a girlfriend he had been living with for several years at that point.

How did this happen? How was I able to sleep at his apartment all of the time and spend nearly every day with him and never know he was living with someone and had just recently started seeing someone else? This man was the most intricate liar I've ever met in my life. I had later come to find out that he would just clean and hide all of his live in girlfriends belongings before calling me to come over. His live in girlfriend worked a full time job and went to school so this is how he was able to sneak me into his life. He would tell her he needed some space, so she'd sleep at her parents house a few nights a week.. these were my sleepover nights.

When all three of us confronted him about it, he denied as much as he could and when he realized he couldn't deny anything anymore, he broke it off with the newest girlfriend and told the live in girlfriend that he chose me. Of course, I was as happy as can be. I was full of forgiveness, gave him another chance and we went about our relationship. Until one morning I woke up with the live in girlfriend yelling about a half of an inch from my face. She told me they never broke up and he was staying at his mom's for some space. She was still paying all of his bills.. they were still very much in a relationship.

How could I have been so blind to all that he was doing? I allowed him to continuously lie to me for three years and even "got back together" with him occasionally for a year or so after that. This man was in my life up until a few months before I met Rory.

This man lied to me, he threatened me by cutting his wrists in front of me, he cheated on me, he sent me to the emergency room, he physically abused me, he verbally and mentally abused me.. I don't know how I was so weak to have stayed with him. My family was angry with me.. we hardly spoke. My friends were upset with me.. we hardly spoke as well. I was angry at everyone outside of my relationship.. they didn't understand how "in love" we were.

Since the last time I saw my ex boyfriend, I have had nightmares about him almost every night. I dream that he is hurting me in every way that he used to. I'd wake up next to my perfect husband, but still be traumatized from my nightmares and feel guilty all day that this man was even still alive in my subconscious. About six months before Rory and I got married, we decided that I should contact my ex boyfriend to get some closure.. to realize that he is not the "demon" I made him out to be in my mind. We thought it would help with the nightmares. We were so so wrong. Talking to him only made matters worse. It only made me fear him more and brought every traumatizing situation that I experienced with him back to the forefront of my mind.

I have recently come to find out that he is up to the same tricks as I was contacted by his current girlfriend. I am sad for her. I am sad for him. I had hoped he changed. I guess when you care for someone, no matter how horrible they treat you, you still want the best for them. I wish I didn't. I wish I hoped that he would get every horrible thing he deserves, but I don't. I think that is all of the forgiveness that I can give to him.. if that is even forgiveness.

Sometimes I feel like a horrible person for even thinking about the whole situation because I am madly in love with my husband, I have a perfect daughter, I live a very happy and healthy life with my family. As my mom says "Certain people are poison" and this man is/was. I wish I could know where to begin to apologize to my mom for making her watch her daughter go through hell. If Logan were ever to be in the situation I allowed myself to be in, I might die. I could never be okay with knowing what was happening to her.
*side note- a lot of people didn't know what was really happening. They just thought he was cheating on me. Only his sister, and one friend of mine knew about the physical abuse.*

Forgiveness is a tricky thing. Whether someone beat you, called you a name, stole your boyfriend, or didn't invite you to a party, it's really hard to not remember the hurt you felt. People say "forgive but never forget", well how can you really forgive if you are thinking about it? That's not closure.. that's what I am struggling with.

What about you? Are you struggling with forgiveness? Do you think it's worth it?



  1. Hi Alison; I came here just bit ago from Apt. Therapy - I love the new daybed, btw! Your style and mine are somewhat similar.

    I think that in order for there to be love, it has to be built on trust. We get awfully confused if we love someone but cannot trust them. I know, I was there for 7+ years with some one. However, we can get addicted to the 'love' feelings we have for some one. Those are harder to overcome. I think it might help if you start to think of this person as your addiction, or unhealthy habit. You can still wish the best for them, but not welcome them into your life because of what they were TO YOU.

    I also think prayer helps, esp. with the dreams/nightmares. Ask God to replace those dreams with his visions for your life.

    I love your honesty and think you are a great designer! Bless you!

    1. Thank you for the sweet words!
      And thank you for reminding me that prayer is always the answer <3