Wednesday, August 21, 2013

One About Friendships

Photo credit: Ressull Salvi Photography
Since Logan's arrival, my eyes have been opened to a lot of things. One in particular is to see the true meaning of friendship. I had been struggling a lot with figuring out where I fit in with old friends and how to make new ones. 

My "best friend" since fifth grade had to get the boot last year. The last two years of our friendship, she became increasingly mean to me. Is that what a best friend does? With years of taking abuse from ex boyfriends, I was used to it and made excuses for her. We got married about a month apart, got pregnant a month apart and our babies were due a month apart. I thought we'd be friends forever.. we were living parallel lives. When she continued to call me names, treat me like crap, and then finally stole my baby name for her kid.. it was O-V-E-R. Luckily, I came to my senses and told myself I don't deserve to be treated that way. Not everyone in my life is treating me as such, but I am definitely stepping back from a lot of friendships. 

After Logan was born, no one came to see us. I had this vision of a sea of friends wanting to come be a part of our lives and when that didn't happen, I was very upset about it. I was upset for a long time. The picture I had painted in my head about how our lives would be with her was not happening. Rory, Logan and I were painting a new picture; a beautiful picture, but one that had just us in it. I didn't see it coming, even with the "you lose friends when you become a mom" warnings. I would cry to Rory on a daily basis and say "why don't they like us anymore?".. it was all very dramatic.  

I felt like no one invited us to anything and I had a lot of upsetedness and jealousy over everyone posting how they are hanging out without me on Facebook and Instagram. Since Logan was born I have had a really hard time navigating through friendships; figuring out which ones are real, which ones are worth the effort and which ones aren't. I think this is just a part of growing up unfortunately. I do have a special place in my heart for a handful of people.. and though we may not talk often, we may not see each other often, and I may even be angry at them for inviting everyone but Rory and I to several things... I still appreciate who they were to me for a long time.

I saw this quote while browsing the interwebs a while ago:
"Sometimes you just need to distance yourself from people. If they care, they'll notice. If they don't, you know where you stand." 

As sad as the outcome may be.. as hurt as your feelings may be.. this is the truth and I have had to find it out.

Becoming a mom forced me to meet new people and to explore other friendships. I am having lots of fun with my new soul sister, Bonnie, that I stole from Rory. He's so nice to let me steal his friends! This journey has been sad and overwhelming, but I am happy to spending time with people who are happy to spend time with me as well.

What about you? Have your friendships changed as you've gotten older?


xo
-Ali

4 comments :

  1. Motherhood changed it all for me. I mean, obviously I can't just head out for a glass of wine with a friend now, but I honestly thought I'd still see my old friends for a cuppa on the weekend (at someone's house rather than a cafe!). My best friend rarely contacted me to catch up after our first child was born, although she was always very busy with work, so I put it down to that. I'd constantly ask her if I could drop in for a cuppa and the answer was always "Now isn't a good time - how about another weekend instead?". She didn't visit us when we had our second child and since then, I've slowly come to the realisation that she doesn't care about us. She's not 'too busy' - I have two kids under 3 - I know what busy is! It's been tough to deal with, but easier to accept because I have a new group of friends... my mothers group!
    I'm not sure if it's an Australian thing or not... My child health nurse ran a 6 week program when our first babies were 6 weeks old and it was about different aspects of motherhood. All of us new mums were in a group together and after the 6 weeks was up, we decided to keep seeing each other once a week. We've been doing that for two and a half years now and the support that I have from these ladies is amazing!

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    1. That's so great that you have a supportive group of mom friends! I am going to bite the bullet and take Logan to Gymboree classes. They are so expensive but I know she will have so much fun and I could possibly meet some mamas. The thing I have a hard time with is that we live in a conservative town and I am tattooed, pierced, and have purple hair. Hopefully, people wont be afraid of me!
      But anyway, it's so sad that someone you consider to be your best friend can let you down like that. I thought I was more important to certain people as well.. but you grow up and grow apart I suppose. At least there is always hope for new friends that are leading the same kind of life you are.

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  2. I think it's pretty much the same for everyone. Once you start a family things change. My husband and I were the first to get married, and the first to start a family, in our group. We were definitely left in the dust, but after a while it just didn't matter.
    It gets easier. Really. All of a sudden you realize that you have less and less in common with your old crew and more in common with other young families.
    ps-have you checked your local library? Sometimes they have a once a week story time and it's free.

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    1. I just signed her up for Gymboree today.. I met a lot of nice mom's and am hoping to start branching out in that way. I know there's a mommy and me at the local library, so I'll have to look into that too! Thank you :)

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