Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Not So Perfect Mama

^ look at that teeny tiny little nugget baby! ^
I have always been the type of person who tries to do it all. I want to be the best at whatever I am doing and I want to feel like I am accomplishing everything I set out to do. Motherhood has put a bit of a halt on living in the cleanest home, looking my best, getting things done in a timely manner (the list goes on) and I have come to realize that I have unrealistic expectations of myself; I  cannot do it all. That sucks.

When I lost my job I made sure to clean, do laundry, go to the market, and prepare dinner for Rory every day. I actually do enjoy cleaning but I did it because I didn't think that it was fair to not do those things for my husband; I am very old fashioned in my view of gender roles. Rory was at work doing his job for us, so in turn I felt like I needed to do my job for him at our home. Once Logan was born and I found myself not having enough time in the day to get simple chores done, I began feeling very guilty.  The laundry piled up, the dishes sat in the sink until the end of the day, I never made dinner.. I didn't want Rory to resent me for leaving things undone and unattended. Of course, he would never.. Logan is the first priority, but I still felt like I wasn't doing enough.

Logan is almost ten months now (wow) and we've settled into a routine. We have some off days, but now I know when I can get things done. People always say "rest when the baby rests".. uhm, yeah right! Sure, I'll rest when she naps and never do laundry, dishes, or exercise again. I am glad to be able to feel like I am doing my job as a wife as well as a mom.. I feel like coming home to a clean(ish) house is somewhat of a gift to Rory. Even if he doesn't notice otherwise, it makes me feel like I am doing my job while he's at work doing his.

Well, this past week and a half has been very trying on my "perfect house wife" mentality. Rory was sick with a kidney infection for about a week and it was the first time I had to play the role of care taker to husband and baby as well as housekeeper; it was challenging but we made it through. It seemed as soon as Rory recovered, Logan came down with a fever (and now a viral rash!). I knew for a few days that she wasn't feeling well because she wasn't acting like her normal self.. and now, in hindsight, I realize that I should have put off the garage sale (for a second time) that we had planned. I didn't cancel it because we had already gone back and forth about doing it because of Rory's illness and once we decided to do it, Logan got sick. I didn't want to disappoint anyone and continually "yo yo" their plans. The garage sale day ended up being a bit of a nightmare. I tried to hang in there with being awake with Logan all night, not eating, Logan crying and needing to sleep, no air conditioning in what seemed like a thousand degree weather.. but I just couldn't; and it pissed me off. I was angry at myself for leaving Rory alone to sell our things, to help clean up; he'd been awake all night and didn't eat as well, so I had major guilt over needing to leave to take care of Logan's needs. I wanted to take care of them both, but couldn't.

I find not being able to please everyone frustrating. I do not like to let people down, I do not like to leave things unfinished, I do not like feeling defeated.. feeling like I could be doing better even when I am trying my absolute best. It's hard to not refold my hand towels in the bathroom after someone has used them.. really.

Somehow I have to give up my expectations of being "perfect".. somehow I have to allow myself to ask my husband for help when I need it.. somehow I have to realize that perfect doesn't really exist. Every day I need to remember that spending time with my daughter and my husband is the important thing.. not spending time with them in a perfectly clean home after a homemade meal.


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