Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Sad Sad Song

I don't know where I've been lately. I feel like I am in such a daze. I proof read my last post about ten times before publishing and once it was published, I noticed some spelling errors and it also seemed like every sentence was four words too short. I've been forgetting a lot of things lately, saying incorrect things, I've been very clumsy and non attentive; I find myself wondering what the hell I am doing or what it is I just said more often than not lately. I don't know if I am tired and the first year of mommy hood has caught up with me, or if something is actually wrong. I've been getting a lot of headaches as well, which is not normal for me.

It definitely has been a stressful week with Logan's reaction to peanut butter and waiting on blood work and having internet technicians here constantly and finishing Christmas wrapping and having anxiety attacks over the numbers (or lack there of) in our bank account; there's a lot going on. I don't feel terribly overwhelmed with it all (perhaps my body does and I don't realize it), I feel like I am just trying to handle one thing at a time and I am trying to get through each day.

Sometimes when life gets a little stressful I find myself having nightmares more frequently. I dream about that ex boyfriend who abused me almost nightly or I dream about my lifelong best friend that I don't speak to anymore. I always wake up wondering why I dreamt of them because I never think of them anymore. I always wake up feeling shaken and sometimes a little sad. Sad that I can't shake the bad memories, sad that I let myself live in an abusive situation for so long, sad that I don't have a best friend. 

 
photo by Ressull Salvi Photography
I love that picture. I feel like it captures me. Always with my head down, avoiding eye contact, being shy in public, and holding on to Rory.. my security blanket.
I've been thinking the past week or so about my relationships.. my lack of relationships. They say it's not the quantity of friends you have but the quality and I do believe that to be true, but I still can't help but think of the people that I spent most of my life with and how they just aren't around anymore. Things change as you get older; people fall in to different stages of life at different times and friendships fade or change or grow stronger. For me, the part that is the hardest is that I've been around the same people for more than half of my life and now that they are gone from my every day, I don't quite feel like myself anymore. I have retreated, I have fallen into old insecurities, and I don't feel like being a part of social situations. When I am in a social situation, the conversations I have with people are superficial; I don't have meaningful conversations with people anymore.
                         
This can be seen in my family life as well. I feel like my family is a small unit, though there are many family members around me, I have a hard time jumping in. I have a very hard time trusting people (hey abandonment issues!), I have a hard time connecting to people. I miss having a best friend. I miss having someone to talk to when I need, I miss being a listener and an advice giver, I miss having a close female relationship. I have two females in my life that I consider to be my friends.. really my only friends these days, but I do not feel close enough to call them on a whim and spill my guts. I can always talk to Rory, he is always there for me and is absolutely my best friend.. but sometimes you just need someone else. Someone outside of your home. Someone outside of your relationship.

It's a strange feeling to be madly in love with your husband and daughter but feel totally alone at the same time. Everyone says to go out and to make friends and give myself "me" time, but why put myself in uncomfortable situations and go somewhere by myself when I can be at home with two people that I know love me unconditionally?

This stage of life is definitely one for lots of changes, growing, learning... and perhaps most importantly, confidence. That one's a rough one.


xo
-Ali

2 comments :

  1. I really relate to you on so many levels. The part about your dreams is so similar to what I have been experiencing lately. Past abusive relationships haunting my subconscious and my old best friend who I lost to drugs. It bothers me that the past can still come up in my dreams when I know in my day to day life I am happy and free from those memories. It's really hard to make new friends when you're older!! Especially with social anxiety :/ . If you want, you can email me?
    mrs.laureneblair(at)gmail.com
    I know it can be awkward talking to someone you only know through the internet so no pressure at all, I just know we have a lot in common and I wanted to reach out to you.
    I hope you have a great day!!

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  2. aww momma :( i wish we were closer. i do on certain levels feel the way you are feeling though, and it is tough. especially when it comes to being a mom, and a wife and all of the priorities that come along with it first. then, at the end of the day there's you, and it's hard to grasp what it is that YOU need. we all feel it, we all get overwhelmed so know you are not alone. i know that doesn't help, but don't ever hesitate to call me anytime! xoxo

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