Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Fumbling and Hoping

Lately, right in the midst of baby giggles and playtime with Logan, my mind wanders to a place where I am lonely. I think about how much my relationships have changed and how I feel that it's only us; only me, only Rory, only Logan. I have come to realize how much I have secluded myself from people that I used to really care about. I secluded myself from them because I was beginning to see our friendships as one sided. I seclude myself from my husbands family; I still feel like it's his family and I am afraid to open up.. to be myself. I seclude myself from my own family because of past hurts. My mind is in a constant battle of wanting to feel close to people and the anxiety that the mere thought of closeness gives me. When someone reaches out to me, I smile and thank them and am grateful, but I am still closed off; I am still choosing to be alone.

Loneliness is a feeling that cripples me. When I feel forgotten and left behind, I curl up into a self pity ball for days.. perhaps a week. I have moments where I am laughing and smiling because my baby girl is laughing hysterically right next to me, but I am still not fully in the moment; I am still alone. That sounds sort of ridiculous.. spending time with my husband and my daughter and feeling alone. Loneliness sucks the life out of me.. it makes me lethargic, emotional, nonfunctional.

I can put this out there and feel like I am talking to a friend as I am typing away, but I don't want to think that it's always right to only connect with a keyboard. Some days I yearn for someone to call and cry to, vent to, talk to.. but I never make those calls. Again, people reach out and I stay secluded. My one healthy outlet has always been writing and it's so easy for me to take a few moments to myself in the evenings to write and to be alone and to not struggle with words and to not be nervous about how things are coming out because I can see the thoughts as they come.. it's good, but in all reality, I should be trusting in people. I should be trusting in those handful of people who reach out to me, who stay in touch with me, who have made it known they care for me.. but somehow I have reservations about connecting fully to them still.

In a few days, it'll be fine; like I never felt this way, but it always comes creeping back. All I can do and hope for is personal growth. I hope to not sink into the depths of myself when I know I have been forgotten.. feel I have been forgotten. I hope to overcome my negative feelings and fully enjoy the days I have been given by God. I hope to open up to the people who are present in my life right now so that they may stay.


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