Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Crossroads


Every day is a choice; a choice to be healthy, to be happy, to keep those close to you close, to choose to better yourself. There are so many paths that people can take in life and it's all about what choices you make when you meet a crossroad.

Personally, I feel like one crossroad I met in particular, shaped the rest of my life.

When I was twenty years old, I met a guy at a party. He was charming, handsome, my "type". I could honestly say that we fell in love with each other immediately. We saw each other every day and when we weren't together we were always texting or talking on the phone. I was too naive to see it at the time, but after the few weeks of a whirlwind romance, I started seeing less of him. He'd tell me that he was having lunch with his grandma, was at some family function, working.. there was always something going on with him, but he still made just enough time for me to keep me  close. I didn't have any suspicions until one day about six months in to our relationship, I got a message on Myspace. You can read more about that here.


I knew he was cheating on me, I knew he hid a live in girlfriend, I knew he was an alcoholic, I knew he was mentally unstable, I knew he was poison in my life, yet I made the choice to live that way for over three years. I felt like I could save him and I believed him every time he told me that he chose me.


I really can't remember the one particular instance that made me choose to finally leave or if there was only one, but I'm glad I made the choice. I had been choked, kicked, pulled out of a moving car, cut, had beer bottles thrown at me, cheated on, deceived in every way possible and one day I decided to move away to Orange County; I needed to escape to my safe place.
 
At the time for me, Orange County (San Clemente in particular) was home. My grandpa owned a house on the North Beach sea cliff for decades and when I think of all the places we moved to when I was a child, that house in San Clemente was always there for me to go back to. I got a job and a place to live almost immediately and I was ready to go. I was tired and finally ready to leave a life of pain and suffering behind.

I settled into my new life pretty well, but something was always pulling me back to the Valley. I missed my mom.. I missed my friends. I was driving back and forth every weekend because I felt lonely, and in that loneliness my ex boyfriend crept back in to my life on a few occasions. Each time I saw him though, I couldn't look at his face without remembering every lie and every hurtful thing he ever did to me. Each time got easier to ask him to leave and then eventually, I never saw him again (with the exception of the time he happened to be exiting the freeway right next to me. He waved at me with a big smile like we were old friends, while I had to pull over because I was having a full on panic attack).

I look at my husband and my daughter every day and am so thankful for that crossroad in my life. I am here, I am alive, I am happy and I am thankful for that strength that I was able to muster up. If I had made the choice to stay in that relationship, there's no question that I'd be miserable. I would probably still be with that abusive ex and I probably would have had a few children by now who would be witness to such hurtful and unhealthy things. The only other path in that situation (if I would have stayed) is I would be dead.. by his hand or my own. To have just typed that leaves a sickening feeling in my gut.. that if I made a different choice at that crossroad, I could very well not be alive.

I can still see myself so clearly in my mom's apartment, looking for jobs, a place to rent, and classes to take; feeling like I was making the right choice to get away.. knowing that I couldn't live the life I was choosing to live anymore. That move to Orange County and the time I spent alone there, helped me to grow as an individual. I had to make new friends, I had to be on my own.. though I did mention most of my weekends were spent back at home, I had a lot of time by myself to realize that I am valuable and that I wanted to matter to someone, matter to myself.

I fully believe in God's plan and that we are living the life that God had set in motion for us before we were ever born, but the choices are ours.. God just knew them before we did. I believe I was in that relationship to have met that crossroad to eventually find my way to Rory; it actually was only about four months after I moved back from Orange County that I met him. 

When we meet a crossroad, there is an opportunity to change our lives and I will always think back on that particular one and be proud, thankful, and faithful.
 
xo
-Ali

This is a part of "Journal Day" over at Sometimes Sweet

2 comments :

  1. Agreed so much Alison! God knows so much better than ourselves what we will need - it's really crazy and amazing if you can just trust it. I'm so glad that you can appreciate what you have now.

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  2. I love that you have the strength and courage to write so openly about your past. I am so happy for you that you have gone from such a dark place into the light. You have a beautiful life and family!

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