Tuesday, May 20, 2014

One About Friendships, Revisited

Something that I really do enjoy about this blog, is that I can look back on a certain point in time and read about what I was feeling, look at Logan's growth, and see how far I've come.
photo by Ressull Salvi Photography
One post I have been thinking about lately is this one. When I read it back, I can remember exactly where I was emotionally when I wrote it. I actually wrote it several times before publishing because it went from sounding very angry and bitter to a little less angry and bitter each time I edited it. I also can recall very clearly that I wanted to publish it after a wedding we attended. All of the people I didn't feel close to anymore were attending that wedding to be there for a couple I also am not close with anymore. I felt like if I posted how angry I was at them and how jaded I was feeling, I couldn't face them in person.. so I edited and I waited. The wedding day felt odd.. I knew it would. We were sat at a table with people we hardly knew while all of our "friends" were at tables with each other; it's actually funny how that played out because I was already feeling "on the outs".. it just validated that feeling. I was harboring all this resentment toward people who were smiling at me like nothing had ever changed; they acted like they were not at fault for anything and I honestly couldn't wait to leave and go home to my sleeping baby. 

In between the wedding last August and now, I can only recall seeing those people on one occasion. We were actually invited to go somewhere to see them all and whilst everyone was gathered together at one side of the pool, Rory and I were with Logan at the other. It's a strange feeling to be on the outside of a group of friends that you've given everything to for more than half of your life and be left looking in on it. That party proved my truth that  I had already come to realize; that people grow apart, that my family was not as important as the other families with new babies in that group, and I needed to stop trying.

When you move on to a different stage in life and everyone else is still leaps and bounds behind you, it's very hard to maintain any sort of relationship.. especially when the trying is very one sided. I started the year with a new outlook. I was no longer whining about the loss of all of my friends, I was looking forward to meeting new people who wanted to be a part of my life and who I had things in common with. Beginning the year knowing I would never again have the friendships I did, set me up to be open to meeting new people. I was absolutely terrified of taking Logan to Gymboree and the park and any social setting because that meant I had to interact with adults I didn't know. I was feeling anxious about potential judgments and I was feeling broken because I had just lost all of my friends, but I had to suck it up and form relationships.

I don't feel lonely anymore, I don't feel awkward, I am not counting friendships and it feels really great to be perfectly happy with the very few people I call my friends. The friendships I've kept and the new ones I've made at this stage of life are meaningful, genuine, and am confident they are friendships that I will have for a lifetime. My relationships harbor no judgement or resentment, we care for each other and each others' families,  and most importantly we make time and want to see and talk to one another.

Rory and I will be attending the wedding of a couple we truly love and admire later this year and I know I will encounter the people I used to call my friends. If it was last year and I knew I'd have to face them, I'd be nervous and upset and would still be wondering why they don't care for me or seek out friendship with me.. but that's simply not how I feel anymore. I feel as if I will enjoy my beautiful friends on their wedding day, I will enjoy the company of my husband, and I will leave still feeling very happy about my relationships.

Coming out on the other side of this has made me see that I am deserving of friendship. I never thought I was before. I let people treat me horribly and I stayed in relationships (friendships, family, boyfriends..) that were detrimental to how I valued myself. I have always needed people to like me and I have always needed to please people.. now I see that I just need to make God, myself , and the people I surround myself with happy.


*perhaps a little too in depth, but in case you're wondering about the photo choice: I chose it to show my shoes on their own in contrast to my other posts shoe shot that was surrounded by some people I don't have in my life anymore. Maybe reading in to it too much, but the symbolism is there for me.

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