Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Calming with Affection

Before motherhood, before marriage even, I had this fear that I wouldn't be in love or affectionate with my children. I am not an affectionate person myself to begin with... in relationships, in friendships, and with family; I feel very uncomfortable when people that aren't my husband tell me they love me. I can't really say where that comes from and why I am guarded with people or if it's even guarded at all, it's just the way I have always been. I was best friends with someone for most of my childhood and in to adulthood, every time she said she loved me, I didn't say it back. Sometimes my parents will text "I love you" and I just don't answer back.. as horrible as that sounds, it's a weird thing for me to say I love you to anyone outside of my husband and daughter.

During my pregnancy, I felt anxious about what I would feel for Logan and how I'd interact with her; it's hard to envision what your life will be like and how you will change until you actually have a child of your own. When she was born and put upon my chest, I cried.. not because she smacked her gooey bloody little hand right in to my glasses and face, but because I loved her so much. They took her to the little koala care center that was next to my bed, and I just stared at her and cried; I had never felt so close to anyone in all of my life.

My love for my daughter is unconditional and she makes me whole even when she's screaming at me, but I still feel an awkwardness about myself. I see how other moms are with their children, I see how Rory is with her, and I wonder if I am loving enough. I hug her and kiss her and tell her I love her all of the time, but am I giving her all of the love and affection she deserves? Does she think I am reserved and does she need more?

The last several weeks have been very trying, not only with the move, but Logan is getting her second set of molars; she hasn't been the sweetest peach to me lately. It may be a combination of the move and the teeth and that fact that she's a toddler, but she's been having some epic meltdowns lately. Today I had to laugh to keep myself from crying as she screamed bloody murder for fifteen minutes.. it wasn't the greatest of moments. This week has been the toughest and I even noticed her gums were bleeding while I was brushing her teeth last night so I know she's in pain. It's a hard thing to remind yourself constantly that they're in pain and they don't have the words while you're trying to not have a breakdown yourself from the noise and exhaustion. Honestly on Monday afternoon, I had had it.. I was at my breaking point. Logan hadn't slept, she was throwing tantrums left and right, she was telling me to "stop it" all day.. I was really over it and I didn't handle her behavior very well in that last hour stretch before Dada got home. I just kept walking away from her but would say "I'm really done Logan" "You stop it" "Good God, I can't wait for you dad to get home so I can just take a break from you". I felt really guilty as I was saying these things to her.. she's one! Hello Ali, get over yourself. I was able to take a few moments to myself when Rory got home and I missed her terribly (more so than usual) that night while she was asleep. The next morning I met the day with a new goal; to meet her frustration and upsetedness with affection and love. She didn't nap again that day, she was very cranky and in pain I'm sure, but we had a great day. Every time she  would start to explode about something, I'd hug her and tell her how much I loved her and that I was sorry she was in pain... it felt really good to just love her and give her every bit of emotion I had in me to comfort her. There was no feeling of awkwardness or shame in being completely affectionate with my daughter and I want to remind myself to be this open with her every day.
This little girl deserves nothing but whole hearted love and affection; it may be hard for me to just let go of my issues and be affectionate, but she doesn't understand that.. all she understands is that affection is what she needs and I am going to do my best every day to give it to her unconditionally.


1 comment :

  1. You are very brave sharing yoiur fears with all of us. I think you are a perfect mom...Remember a little time for yourself......