Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Grace


This weekend was a bit of an eye opening one for me; we went to a wedding to celebrate two people that are super close to my heart. I knew I'd see people that I used to be close with and I was nervous, but I just reminded myself to keep my wall up and everything would be fine. I convinced myself that I didn't need these people because I had been pretty angry with them. Over the last (almost) two years, I've seen a different side of people I loved, I saw a different side of myself. I had felt that I had been burned by these people, that these people didn't care enough to meet my daughter, they didn't care to be a part of my family. I've written about all of that here before so I wont stay on this part for too long, but the point is, I felt like I had been abandoned. I felt angry and bitter for a long time and I thought I had moved passed that. When I wasn't invited to concerts, or baby showers, or birthday parties (any get together's) I felt burned by them but moved past the hurt pretty quickly.

At the wedding this weekend, I felt like I was being just enough of myself with these old friends of mine.. I felt like I could be around them but I remained closed off. I made sure to not be overly friendly or approach them to say hello.. I waited to be greeted, I waited to see how they'd react to me. Each time I am going to be around this old group I prepare myself to be open enough to seem normal and to not let them know of all the hurt they unknowingly caused me.
After nearly two years of being closed off, I was called out...
My friend said "Let's talk" and she told me how I wear my emotions on my face and how she could see that I was not happy to see most of the people I was surrounded by. I was there to have a good time with my husband, celebrate my favorite couple, and then keep to myself. She told me that I needed to be the bigger person, that I needed to be elegant and graceful. Her words weighed heavy on my heart. I looked around at the people I used to love endlessly and felt the rush of sadness because they never extended the care to come meet my daughter after she was born or to be a part of my family. Each time I am in my old group of friends, I am happy inside.. my heart overflows with love for them and I think that things can be the same as they were. My friend told me that because I don't tell these people how they've unknowingly hurt me, things can't be the same. All anyone can see is that I am being cold and distant... my dear friend spoke such truth that night and I can see how I need to be full of grace and forgiveness.

I am ready to open up and confess my hurts to the people that I love. I am ready to give grace when I encounter them. I am ready to be myself around the people that filled my heart with so much love. I have shared more than half of my life with these people, I've shared my secrets, they've taken care of me, I've taken care of them... there's so much love and history that it doesn't quite make sense to just be angry and give it all up. I can understand now that they may all be totally clueless as to what's going on in my head and my heart... if so, I alone created the distance.

Relationships change as you get older; friends are lost and made. People move, get married, have kids.. people grow apart and I am ok with that, but if there's something I can do to keep important relationships strong, like be a more graceful person, then I am going to try my best to do that.

"Be elegant and graceful because you're better than that to not be"... words that rattle the person I've been lately. I've been secluded and fearful of people that are closest to me. Not even with just friendships, I can see in other parts of my life that I've been unknowingly hurt by people and I've totally shut them out. I don't want to see them or have conversations with them... when I have to be around them, I am reserved and anxious.
This perfectionist is far from perfect.. it's time to strive for grace.

xo
-Ali 

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