Friday, September 12, 2014

Other Things


I have blog posts come across my mind several times a day; I start rehearsing the words I'll write in my head, but I just haven't made it to the computer to type lately. I mentioned recently that I felt like I've been on auto-pilot since June and that's still very much the truth about how I feel.. I'm just going going going. Every day there's Etsy orders to list or send out, there's emails to answer, floors to clean, laundry to do, appointments to go to, phone calls to make; when I do have a moment to sit down, sometimes I eat for the first time that day or I sprawl out on the couch with a book. I feel like I've neglected this little corner of the Internet for a while; blogging was an outlet for me.. it still is in some ways. I like to write things down and I enjoy going back to certain times in my life, but I can't help but feel like this blog is like a nagging spouse sometimes. "Don't forget this weeks portrait." "It's been days since your last post.. you'll lose readers." It's taken a lot for me to put those nagging inner voice moments aside to truly do something for myself in the few moment's I have each day. I easily overwhelm myself with each task I have to do, even this tiny blog can overwhelm me.

I've been reading a lot this year (thanks Krista!) and it's become a favorite pass time. In high school, I was the queen of cliffs notes. I can honestly say that I did not read one single required book.. I don't know how I managed to graduate; I barely did to begin with. Taking thirty minutes or even an hour to read a bit of a new book while Logan is napping has become glorious to me! I let the dishes sit clean in the dishwasher for a while longer, I don't immediately put the laundry away, I don't sit down at the computer and type away about something I don't feel passionate about in the moment, I don't bubble wrap those fragile items that need to be shipped out sometime this week, I just relax.
Relaxing is a hard thing to do for me, clearly. I am a girl that does not ask for help; if I need help, I feel like it should be offered. Even in times where help is offered, I smile, say "thank you, but I'm fine", and then continue going about whatever I'm doing like a stressed out maniac. Whether it's control or passing up help because I'm annoyed it wasn't offered sooner or something else, I do things on my own. I hated group projects in school because I knew I could do it more efficiently by myself. Having to cooperate with others never made sense to me.. just let me do this work my way and it'll be done immediately and perfectly. There it is.. I'm a perfectionist.

I sat down the other day to write a blog post about my fears for the future; my fears about having more kids (ultimately breastfeeding fears) and I erased and typed then erased and typed and erased. I don't feel like I should ever publish a blog post for all the world to see when it's not happening naturally, when I'm not typing continuously.. I loose confidence in my words and put the subject on the back burner. That's why I have been more quiet over here as well, I just don't feel like there's anything I need to write about or I feel like it's all redundant (baby, breastfeeding issues, we moved). I do enjoy sharing bits of our life here with you, I love being able to keep my distant family close through this, I love the few emails I've gotten from strangers for being "inspiring".. I guess I'm just going slow at the moment.

The last two and a half months have been a total whirlwind of change and illness and an insane amount of barbecues and appointments to go to. September is almost half way over already and I've got Halloween costumes done, Logan's birthday in the works and Christmas gifts planned; it's always something!

This blog post has been a wild trip through my anxious brain, so thanks for bearing with me. I would love to say that things are going to calm down soon and I know I'll be back with lots of inspired posts, but the next few months are kind of nuts. I know I'll have some weekend snapshots for you and I'll continue with Logan's portraits (which I don't think I'll be continuing next year).. maybe I'll have a rush of inspiration like today to sit down and write something worth reading in between all of the crazy.

Have a good weekend lovelies!

xo
-Ali

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