Thursday, December 11, 2014

Where We've Been


There's been many times over the last several months where I am in the middle of something and I think, "I'll sit down and blog today.. I'll write about so and so.. yes, that's what I'll share." Though I have many of these moments, I just don't have the time to follow through and honestly, if I do find that I have time, I'd rather be taking an hour or so to myself while Logan naps sitting on my butt and catching up with my favorite TV shows. This whole end half of the year has been crazy; so many changes, so many emotions, so many doctors appointments, keeping up with my Etsy shop, dealing with illnesses and trying to keep up relationships; I'm exhausted.

I'm feeling like we've been so busy and so overwhelmed with what's been going on in our lives this year that we have not had any time for each other other than a brief dinner time and television watching for Rory and I after Logan has gone to sleep. I am aching for a getaway, a break and I don't see one happening for a while (definitely not until next year). Employers started calling them "mental health days", I'm ready for a few. I am ready for lots of smiles and sweet moments, just the three (four) of us.

Though the second half of this year was nuts, it's really been since October that we've been put through the ringer. October 1st was the day that I officially knew what was happening with my body for weeks already; we were going to have another baby. We were thrilled and grateful and also a little nervous because what would life be like with two, but excited nonetheless. Fast forward to my first appointment at eight weeks.. the doctor saw nothing inside the sac that was visibly there. She said "it may just be too early, but let's see you back here in a few days." My heart was broken. I was thinking missed miscarriage for that week I had to wait. There was a lot of crying in this house and I didn't think I'd be able to survive if it was in fact a miscarriage. To me, life begins at conception; a life is a life no matter how small and new. I felt that I wouldn't be able to cope with my body rejecting a life.
At the next ultrasound Rory, Logan and I all waited anxiously for some news.. she saw something! Relief? Well, she saw something but couldn't really see a heartbeat yet. Another week of waiting, another week of emotional turmoil.. then, a heartbeat.
Everything with Logan was so easy; she was so active in all of her ultrasounds, she never gave us any fear that we may lose her. This is a whole new experience, one that I never wanted or expected to go through. I've been at my doctor's office for ultrasounds and blood-work almost weekly for my entire first trimester which has been both emotionally taxing but also reassuring; to be able to see how she's growing and thriving gives me a sense of calm that I really needed. She's ok and I am so grateful.

We've been sick with colds, sinus and tonsil infections, and good ole morning sickness. We've thrown a birthday party, baked for Thanksgiving, gone to and from countless doctors appointments, somehow kept up with all of those bills ($50 co-pays each time!), and we are still pushing through.

This year was an absolute roller coaster ride full of epic highs and lows; we were so distraught with having to move and here we are in a gorgeous home, we felt the joy of the news of a new baby and felt the heartache of possibly losing her to joy again in her health and growth. I feel like we've gotten through the worst of it and now is the time to start feeling at ease about everything. Now is the time to feel good again about being settled, being healthy, being with friends and family at Christmastime, and to look forward to a weekend getaway in the near future to celebrate it all.

xo
-Ali

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