Monday, January 5, 2015

I Am Healing

Without a doubt, 2014 was the biggest year of growth for me; bigger than becoming a wife, bigger than becoming a mother. Last year I reflected on why I was who I had become and I made a conscious effort daily to become a better person.

I spent many years very angry at anything and everything; I frequently felt attacked and subconsciously allowed myself to put distance between myself and people that were close to me. For a long time, I didn't think anything of it.. I just felt the way I did and that was that. I had settled for the person I had become; distant and very sad on the inside.

At the beginning of last year, I had secluded myself from family, friends and even Rory; I just held on tight to Logan. Somehow I felt this was everyone else's doing but my own. I believe that all of the sadness I was feeling inside led me back to a place I didn't think I'd be at again. I started to have the same reoccurring nightmares about my horribly abusive relationship that I had suffered from years before; I couldn't sleep, I would wake up and immediately have a panic attack.. every day I felt beaten down from these nightmares about a man who broke me physically and emotionally. It saddened me even more that I was not completely present with my husband and my daughter so I decided to step way out of my comfort zone and I started seeing a therapist. 

I was officially diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder; something I never dared to say because I felt that was reserved for war heroes. My diagnosis was a bit of a relief in that I felt like I wasn't just being dramatic or dwelling or I simply "couldn't get over it".. I was truly mentally and emotionally damaged from the years of abuse.

The label of PTSD empowered me and for once in a long time, my mind felt clear enough to really take a look at myself. Who had I let myself become? I didn't want to be secluded, I didn't want to be quick to anger, I didn't want to be alone. I had become that way because my traumatic experience changed me. Before meeting that man, I was a shy and sweet girl. I loved everyone and I trusted everyone. Spending three years of being hit, dragged, cut, yelled at, cheated on, belittled, and lied to changed how I felt about the world and how I felt about myself.

It's a new year and I feel like I am on my way to being at peace with what happened to me.. which I finally understand is much different than closure. Closure is something I thought I needed and now I know that there is absolutely no closure for a person who has suffered abuse, there is only forgiveness and strength to live the rest of your life without fear. 

Knowing why I became who I was has helped me take the steps to change in to who I want to be and who I was meant to be. Really, I am just allowing myself to be who I was before the abuse.

It feels good to be me. 

"I'm battle scarred, I am workin' oh so hard
To get back to who I used to be.."
-A Fine Frenzy "Near to You"

xo 
-Ali

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