Sunday, August 16, 2015

Late Night Thoughts

photo by Ressull Salvi Photography
It's almost midnight and  I'm lying here next to a snoring baby as I type away on my phone. I've sat down a time or two to blog; I even start posts in my head that I intend to work on later, but it always gets away from me. The few times that I've actually sat down at the computer and opened up blogger is after I've fed both kids, gotten the baby to sleep, managed to eat something quickly myself and then before I know it, the baby is awake and needs to eat again or Logan needs to be taken to the bathroom. One sweet girl is always in need of something, if not both.

The truth is that lately I've had quite a lot on my plate. There's been the uncertainty of Rory's job (which thankfully led to a good outcome), the recovery of childbirth and adjusting to life with two almost completely by myself as Rory had no kind of paternity leave, trying to eat well, lose that hateful baby weight, battling with doctors offices, holding on the line for the county medi-cal  office for an hour while caring for two kids, sitting in the lobby of a medi-cal office for two hours with both kids and managing a pee mess from Logan during our wait, calling back and forth to all four companies that make up our family insurance, writing letters of financial hardship, sifting through piles of papers, washing dishes, laundry (so much laundry), family in town weekend after weekend after weekend... I've been plowing through it all by myself and am ready to be on the other side of it all already. I'm not really stressed or anxious; I actually feel quite numb to it all at this point. I feel as if this financial chaos and being in a  constant state of "busyness" has been life for such an extended amount of time that I just am existing through it all.
I hate that.

Today was my mom's birthday and we hosted a little celebration. I had the thought to go get her her favorite cake before everyone arrived and I asked Logan if she'd like to come with me.. Just her and I. We left Rory and Wesley at home and even though it was a short trip, it felt so wonderful to just enjoy her company. I felt a lot of guilt rushing in after we got home as I started to think about what she could be feeling over the last ten weeks. 
The night we got home from the hospital, Rory had put Logan to bed and when he came downstairs he got pretty emotional and expressed his worry about Logan feeling neglected. I read something about "how to play with your toddler while caring for a newborn" and each time Wesley falls asleep and I turn on the TV for Logan so I can make phone call after phone call regarding insurance and bills, that article rings in the back of my mind; I should be playing with her.. I should be more attentive and I feel angry at all the outsiders who are taking away the time I have with her, but it must be taken care of. Claims have to be questioned and readjusted and kids need ID numbers and copies of birth certificates to do anything... There's a lot of nonsense to get through right now.

I started to think about some last blog posts and I believe I have been talking about "hoping for a small getaway with my family" for well over a year now and still, nothing has happened. I'm envious of friends who jet off on the weekends, I wish we had that type of life. Our anniversary is coming up in a couple of weeks and we've been looking at all of the coupon sites for a bargain on a hotel room and some sort of family friendly activity so that we can actually go away and do something that's not a trip to  Home Depot or the mall... I have high hopes that something will work out. I need a short trip out of what my reality is right now. I need a break from the phone calls and the paper work and the statements in the mail. I need to have some days where I can be fully immersed in my family and just enjoy.

I know the bills will stop coming and that the insurance issues will get straightened out; everything should be taken care of in a matter of weeks, I just can't wait to get there so we can start living a better quality of life.


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