Monday, January 4, 2016

New Year Thoughts

I feel a certain duty as a semi-blogger to write a New Years post, so here it goes friends:

Last year was one of the most emotionally taxing years we've had; there was loss and life and overwhelming bills that came with that sweet new life, there was life changing decisions, there was uncertainty, there was sadness. In all of that there was also starting life as a family of four, laughter, new memories, visits with family I hadn't seen in too long, there was happiness. As stressful as it all was, I will choose to hold on to the happy memories and continue to pray and get through the not so happy ones.
Long gone are the New Years that feel like something magical happens at midnight where you start fresh and continue life with a new mindset and new goals; life is just full of days that are what you make them no matter the date.
Last year, Logan turned three, Wesley arrived almost seven months ago, Rory and I celebrated seven years together and four years of marriage. I am happy that I surpassed my weight goal the last four and a half months of the year with a total of thirty six pounds lost. I am happy that I started then and did not wait until January 1st to begin getting back to "my old self". I did set some more weight loss goals, but in all fairness, those were set in motion several months ago.
Last year I really struggled with anxiety; anxiety about family members, anxiety about money, anxiety about things that are out of my control. I am sure a lot of it was because of the postpartum emotions and the struggle to breastfeed (again), having a newborn and adjusting to caring for one more persons needs.

This new year has already brought a life lost and we're four days in. I am saddened and I am joyous at the same time to know that someone I love is with the God that I love. I am grateful to be feeling better, to be healthy. I am grateful for my gorgeous daughters and my selfless loving husband. I am grateful to live in a beautiful home in a community that is supportive. I am grateful to have reconnected with someone who was very important to me for most of my life... I have even connected in a new way to my closest friends. Last year I learned that I can be myself AND be a mom at the same time and that was really a wonderful realization because I felt so isolated from people for a long time. Last year I confronted a demon and have never felt more relieved and "over" my post traumatic stress disorder. Last year was so full of struggles and I am proud of how I dealt with it all (yes, I had some not proud moments.. but overall I feel like I have been the most calm and happy I have been in my whole life).

I had been saying "with the exception of the birth of Wesley, last year was the most horrible year ever", but the truth is that it wasn't. Life is hard and people die and people get sick and people grow apart but people also LIVE and they SURVIVE and they fall in LOVE. I have several tattoos on my arm that are of important Bible verses and I suppose if I were to have to say I have a goal for this new year it is to look at my arm more often and remember those verses and live what they say; to not be anxious, to not worry, to trust in God.